Week 300: A Brand New Contest


Matt Drudge cleanser ("To really, really, really get the dirt out!")

Ken Starr weenies.

Jeffrey Dahmer Manwich.

Larry King softballs.

This Week's Contest is to type a sentence using only your nose and right pinky no, we're off that kick. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins three disposable Betadine Swabsticks, which are basically giant Q-tips soaked in iodine. They stain your skin so profoundly that minor cuts or abrasions resemble vast, suppurating leprous lesions. Elden suggests that you come up with celebrity-brand products, as in the example above. They may or may not also contain a descriptive slogan. First-prize winner receives a fancy ballpoint pen advertising Viagra, donated to the Style Invitational by Charlie Myers of Laurel, who claims he won it in a tennis tournament. It is worth $ 25. 

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 300, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 21. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abrv No One Ntcs was was written by Sandra Hull of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 297, in which we asked you to comb through that day's stories in The Post and come up with letters to the editor that sort of miss the point.

u Second Runner-Up:

To the editor:

Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post's publication of page after page of "Classified" information, blatantly labeled as such in type so large that even the most dimwitted spy can hardly fail to miss it!

J.J. Gertler, Arlington

u First Runner-Up:

20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless

To the Editor:

Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not 10 tons of additional pavement! This donation is cruel, like giving 20,000 Zippos to a burn ward. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

William Scott, Montclair, Va.

u And the winner of the Argentine bolo:

HAND-DELIVERED. URGENT!

To the editor:

Do not let them bury those people whose pictures you showed in Sunday's obituaries! Most of them look like they are still alive!

David Genser, Arlington

u Honorable Mentions:

Momentum Is Building in

Downtown Revival

I continue to be appalled by your poor understanding and incorrect usage of even the simplest physics terms. Momentum is the property of mass multiplied by velocity. As buildings remain at rest, they have no momentum. The term you are looking for is "inertia."

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Unproductive Mids Trampled at Home

Our nation's military academies are and should remain highly competitive. But it is horrifying that parents are resorting to corporal punishment when a student has fallen behind in his studies. I am especially dismayed to learn the Southern Methodists had a hand in this savagery.

(William Scott, Montclair)

Catholic Fumbles,

Stumbles in Playoffs -- By Neil H. Greenberger

Catholic fumbles? I cannot believe your sportswriters are allowed to single out for criticism persons of certain faiths. Everyone errs occasionally, not just Catholics. I guess Mr. Greenberger feels Jews never drop the ball, but I'm here to tell you I found one who did, in this awful article.

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Palestinians Say Israelis

Violated Accord

So now they're blaming the Jews for every car that's broken into?

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement --

Well, that's just great. Just what we need -- an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What's next, a drunk-driving commune?

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Bishop Lifts Kansas State Over Missouri

A Roman Catholic miracle, and The Post buries it in Sports? This is typical of your godlessness. I'm sure if it was some Vatican scandal, we would see it on Page 1 above the fold.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Bishop Leads Wildcats Past Missouri

I find it commendable that the clergy are attempting, like Saint Patrick in Ireland, to rid the land of dangerous animals. However, your story irresponsibly fails to tell us where the good bishop is taking these creatures. Is he bringing them to the D.C. area? Show a little civic responsibility, please, and inform the public. (John Kammer, Herndon)

I object to Frank Stewart's blatant denigration of the mentally challenged in his bridge column. Whatever he thinks of a player's relative skills, there is no excuse for the repeated reference to North as "Dummy."

(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

Pakistan Holds Members of Ethnic Movement

What is the world coming to when Pakistani officials can get away with humiliating its enemies by holding their members?

(John Kammer, Herndon)

D.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica

I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for the article on D.C. United. There were so many typos I couldn't understand a word.

(Terry Lewis, Alexandria)

To the editor: You Washingtonians are so self-absorbed! Take Sunday's weather report. You go on and on about weather in the Washington area. You can bet that here in Muscateen, we don't spend all our time talking about Washington's weather.

(David Genser, Muscateen)

Republican Leadership Vacuum Might Open Doors for Governors

When will these Poindexters in Washington understand that the American public won't put up with their gross misspending of U.S. tax dollars -- $ 600 hammers, $ 2,000 toilet seats, and now vacuum cleaners to open doors for governors? Please. (John Kammer, Herndon)

I am eager to contact Mr. Scott Black, the "rumpled money manager," as I am eager to have him sort and straighten out my wrinkled currency. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

In re the recent spate of letters to the editor supporting more flights out of National Airport, I believe the authors do not consider the long-term consequences of this action. Unless we balance the number of flights out of National with the number of flights into National, we will only accelerate the trend of urban flight from the District of Columbia.

(Kevin Shertz, Washington)

I am outraged at the inappropriateness of the Taurus horoscope. The idea of an "older individual" helping me, a 12-year-old boy, "get into the big leagues" is repulsive. You have made me cry. (Jonathan Levy, Washington)

Next Week: The Right Stuff